You trusted them. You believed them. They were charming, loyal, and honest. So, you thought. Instead, you were nothing more than a pawn on their chessboard of pain. You were their talented tactician in their highly calculated mind games of manipulation. They used you and did so well. When you work for someone who spends hours devising elaborate plans to make themselves look good at the expense of others, the stress and anxiety are overwhelming and not conducive to your success. Your work is impressive, and you create value for your customers, but the thought of staying in such an undesirable situation is too stressful to imagine. The question is, when is it time to move on before it sabotages your career?
“She seemed so genuine and sincere. I believed her and supported her. Just like that, she turned on me
and the next thing I knew I was asked to leave the organization. For months, I was set-up to take the fall
for anything that went wrong. I was her puppet. How could I be so naive?” Sound familiar? If so, It’s time for action!
Accept the truth.
All the understanding in the world won’t change the situation. The truth is, as narcissists they have an extreme need for personal admiration and completely disregard the feeling of others. By itself, narcissistic behaviors are complicated, but when a person is a covert narcissist the behavior manifests into strategic, sinister, calculated actions with one purpose; to make themselves look good at the expense of others. These individuals have a hole in their life, a hole so large no amount of pain or suffering they create or inflict will ever fill it. Accept it for what it is and carefully protect yourself with awareness and knowledge.
Set boundaries.
Several years ago, my granddaughter was an expert boundary pusher. It was difficult for her parents, but especially hard on her Mimi. At my house, when she didn’t mind, she was put in timeout. The timeout entailed standing in the corner with her nose on the flowered wallpaper on the kitchen wall. She didn’t like it, but it was successful. You might not like it, but as I did with my granddaughter, it’s time to set boundaries. Don’t let yourself get sucked into their drama. Don’t let them charm their way into your world. When you create limits, it is liberating and life-changing. Don’t put yourself in timeout, try these responses to help set boundaries.
“I trust you will make the right decision with . . .’
“I know you will manage this situation well . . .”
“I am not comfortable with this topic; maybe you should talk to . . .”
“I think this topic would be something the entire team needs to discuss.”
When it comes to boundaries, remember to stay inside the guardrails and you will be safe. It’s when you go outside the guardrails; you can get hurt.
Don’t engage.
When reading a long email, which puts you on the attack, set them aside and respond carefully. The 1:1
conversation, which is supposed to be about your work, but instead ends up being about them, set a
time limit and stick to it. How do you do this? Tell your boss that you value their time and a 1-hour
meeting twice a month is enough time to discuss your work. Use your calendar to help. Set up other
meetings or activities to follow those conversations. Having another meeting or activity is a great
escape.
Get off social media at once. When your personal life is on social media, it is a perfect way for them to strategize on how to use it against you. Do it right now. Take a deep breath and unfriend them. Do it! Go ahead and push the button. Doesn’t that feel great! I know what you’re thinking, “What do I do if they
ask me why I unfriended them?” Smile and say, “I’m taking a break from social media. I am much happier when my work life and personal life are kept separate.” Smile and walk away.
Remember, covert narcissists are not always extroverted, gregarious and flamboyant. In fact, their most successful cover is one of silence. Along with their quietness, they also appear shy and unsupported. They thrive on playing the victim. When you are bold and forthright, it will surprise them. They are intelligent and will sense a shift in the force, but this will cause them to take a step back to create a new strategy giving you time to plan. You must counteract their behavior with your strategic plan.
Be accountable.
You are not someone’s pawn; you are not a victim. You are an individual with choices. With choices comes responsibility for making the right decisions and controlling your responses and actions. Make a choice not to blame but hold yourself accountable. If you need help, talk to a friend. (Preferably someone who doesn’t work with you) and ask them to help you. There are also support groups who specialize in helping individuals with how to deal with narcissistic behavior. Hire a life coach. They will help you set goals and boundaries. They will role-play and practice your responses and are objective professionals to support your newfound freedom.
Act Now.
When someone yells, “Fire,” people pay attention, they start looking for an exit. It’s instinctual. Like signing your name. You act. Dealing with a covert narcissistic boss is no different. You need to act not react. Reacting puts them in a place of power to manipulate. When you act, you’re in control. If the pain of working in this environment is toxic, it’s time to create your exit strategy. Organizations have emergency procedures for fires and storms; you need an emergency procedure for your life. Transfer to another department, if in debt, create a plan to dig your way out. If it means working two jobs to support yourself or your family, so be it. A positive environment far outweighs fatigue and stress. In fact, removing yourself from the dangerous, toxic environment could be invigorating. A covert narcissistic boss is smart, strategic, and dangerous. The only person they care about is themselves. Their life is a series of hits and runs, and they rarely get caught. When you find yourself in this situation, the best thing to do is accept the truth, set boundaries, don’t engage in the drama, be accountable, and act. Choose to take a stand. Don’t be an accessory, be the exception. I’ve heard it said, “If you leave, they win.” I disagree. Just like a leopard, a covert narcissist won’t change their spots.
Need advice? Contact me at 417-837-9048 or at [email protected] and Let’s get started!
